Time Marches On....

Well, all of the support and good wishes DID work!  It got me through it all and to the point I am now, which is much more relaxed and in tune with myself.  In the last few weeks I've heard from so many friends who follow this blog, all of whom have given me kind words of support and encouragement.  I'm beginning to feel a little less scattered but have taken Pauline's advice to leave the dreadful jobs for winter......Now that it is too hot to tackle the (dreadful) garage, it will just have to wait for winter!  I'm thinking that the motivation I really need is for company to come so I'll be forced to get things together!

Hearing from everyone at once very quickly put me behind in correspondence, so I hope you will accept this as a response, an update, and a very grateful "thank you".

Nancy and Cheryl at Subway

I've spent a lot of time catching up with friends.  Cheryl, Nancy and I met up at our usual  rendezvous spot as they were travelling to visit Cheryl's sister in Camden. Though our time was limited, it was great to catch up. We lightly touched on the topic of overtaking some unsuspecting independent living facility as a master plan for our old age.  If I'm going to get old (and I hope I will as the alternative is worse!), I want to face it with people with whom I have something in common!

I've also had lunch with Sharon, Thea, Janeen and Chris, as well as as attending Living Liberally, an art exhibit (Marty Montag at 95), the Bluffton Farmers Market (for wine and appetizer with Chris).  it's been wonderful to see everyone and especially to do it without that feeling that I should be home.....or wondering what is happening at home.  With each day I am relaxing more and more.

Equally satisfying has been my down time at home.  I have one friend who likes to have a set schedule for the week, with very little down time.  I'm the complete opposite....I love my down time at home.  If too many things happen to interfere with that, I get out of kilter.  So, I'm catching up on that time, too.

Mama continues to adjust better than I could have expected.  I did speak with them last week about keeping her busy. Part of the problem is her poor vision....there are lots of activities she would participate in if she could see to do it.  So, they seem to be making an effort to address that problem. She has good days and bad, but at this point they are mostly good, which is a blessing for us both. The time we have together is much more positive and loving than before and I am very appreciative of that.  I love this photo of her.....we were sitting outside one morning and, as the shade disappeared, the staff brought around hats for everyone.  This one really suited her and the photo turned out great.

The nicest thing happened there today.  I went by at 2PM for ice cream time and a lady was there with her 5 children, just like doorsteps.  She was a teacher for 10 years and now home schools her children.  She also brings them to facilities like BG to help out.  They were so sweet, well mannered and articulate.  They delivered ice cream cones to all the "grannies" and were encouraged to talk with them.  At the end of the ice cream time, they went around and hugged everyone (and everyone loved it) and sang a song. After they left, the activities director told me that they were all adopted, which I never would have guessed.  It was a wonderful family doing a wonderful thing.....I was just so impressed!

Mama, Carol and Dennis

My cousin (father's side of family) Dennis and his wife Carol stopped by for a visit as they were returning from a family funeral in Florida.  He was the first to call once I notified family that Mama had gone into the facility and he has checked on us regularly, offering to help in any way he can.  I always think of his friendship as a gift from my deceased cousin Cissy.  Growing up, Dennis and I really didn't know each other, but Cissy kept telling him that he should call and stop by to see me when they were going to Florida to visit Carol's family.  He finally did it and we all hit it off right away.  That's a great gift to get late in life.....and he always reminds me of one of my favorite cousins....Cissy.  Another cousin on my father's side has sent Mama 5 cards since she has been in Belfair Gardens and they hope to visit soon.  Unfortunately, we have heard very little from my mother's side of the family (though we have from her friends and church).

This is my Crepe Myrtle, which I only noticed when it was in full bloom!  Last week I noticed it as I drove into the driveway, which made me wonder what else I've not noticed!  So, I'm probably still preoccupied with a lot of things and not 100% myself yet.  I am back to my walking and that tends to settle me......I guess it will take time, but I am on the right path.

The final update is on the kitties.  I have to tell you that the week my mother went into Belfair Gardens her cat, Smokey, went to the litter box and when he got out his back legs just collapsed.  I couldn't believe it.....iI was going to have to put my mother's cat to sleep!!  I rushed him to the vet and a day and a couple of hundred dollars later, they determined it was old age!  His blood work was good; they give him fluid and an anti-inflammatory.  So, every day I give him Miralax, something for his joints and prednisone....and he seems to be doing fine.  But.....just when I thought things couldn't get worse.....

Breathing Easier

Took Smokey over for a visit.

With each passing day, I'm feeling more comfortable with the decision to place my mother in a facility.  It's wonderful to come home to a quiet, peaceful, calm house and to be able to relax, as one should in their own home.  Thus far we have both also been able to be more caring and patient with one another......it's much easier when not being bombarded with anger and frustration 24/7.  My mother has had two minor meltdowns.....one last Wednesday and Thursday when (I think) it finally sank in where she is and that she's been there a while with no mention of going home. But, suddenly Thursday afternoon  she got out of bed and carried on.  Today I went over right after lunch and she was angry (with the staff) because she wanted to take chicken from her plate to feed Smokey (her cat) and they wouldn't let her put it in her pocket and take it to her room.  She accused them of being rude.  If Dr. Phil were to ask my mother whether she would rather be happy or be right, my mother would choose "right" every time.....and add to that, have the last word!  So, when she wouldn't let it go, I left......and returned to my tranquil home!  I went back before dinner, got her out of bed and we sat outside a bit.  She was hungry (didn't eat lunch), not very talkative and in a world of her own.  I did all I could to prepare her for dinner, a good night's sleep and a better day tomorrow.  She tried to lay guilt and I didn't bite (and the staff she was angry with had already gone home)....so I hope she had a good dinner and will start tomorrow on a better note.

A frame for my mother.

I know many of you thought I should have done this a long time ago, but I know myself well enough to know that I will reach a point beyond which I will not go.....and I'm okay with reaching that point because I also know that I've done as much as I could do.  The stroke was the point that I knew I was out of my depth and needed help. In any case, I do appreciate your support and concern...it helped me get to "The point".... Thanks for hanging with me so long.

No sooner had I gotten my mother settled than I came down with the sinus infection from hell.  I've had minor sinus problems in the past, usually relieved by an over-the-counter medication.  This was nothing like that!  I felt crummy for a few days and then on Friday night it all seemed to settle on the left side of my face......giving a whole new meaning to "so ugly it hurts"!  The bones in my face, the inside of my mouth, even my teeth hurt..  I was in pain all night and by 8:45AM of Saturday morning I was in line at the local urgent care facility.  The doctor prescribed a Z-pack and prednisone but, even hitting it with that, it took 7-8 days to clear. There were days when I could only eat cold soup and the afternoons were spent in bed. I never knew sinuses could do that....and I hope I never experience it again.

Other than that, I've been getting back into my walking routine and connecting with friends.  Our weather has been beautiful and it's wonderful to be able to enjoy it. Due to the sinus infection, I had to cancel lunch plans with Sharon, but we've reschedule for this week.  Janeen and I will be having breakfast together tomorrow, and I hope to see Thea and Cheryl next week.  There is also so much around the house that needs to be done.....and, as I told Janeen, I'm having a hard time focusing.  I'm so accustomed to going from one wildfire to another, with no chance to plan or anticipate, that I find it's now difficult to tackle something that requires forethought and persistence.  Once I've caught up with friends, I hope I can develop "a plan" to tackle some things around the house.

So, overall I feel much less stressed.  The ideal scenario would be that my mother come to terms with her situation and make the most of each day.....but, to be honest, that isn't her nature and there isn't a lot I can do about it.  I will be there for her in whatever way I can, but I am so thankful to have my own space again!

A little pooch humor.

Trial by Fire

Yes, I'm still alive, but barely!  As of Thursday of this past week, my mother entered Belfair Gardens.  It is an Alzheimers/dementia care unit and is literally within walking distance of my house.  So, I've been visiting twice daily and have yet to find my mother in her room.  She's always in the common area participating in whatever is going on, and she seems to really enjoy it. 

You can imagine that this past month has been very stressful for me as there were a lot of difficult decisions to be made with no one to really rely upon, although my friend Chris has been a great listener and very supportive.  Even so, when Mama had the stroke in early April, I knew i could no longer maintain things single-handedly. That was the factor that tilted the balance for me.  I had been conferring with Karen at Memory Matters and had attended one caregiver support group meeting.  I asked if I could meet with her again, as my last ditch effort before trying to qualify Mama for Medicaid.  That would mean putting the house back in her name so that Medicaid could be reimbursed for services rendered.  Karen immediately contact Palm Court (same type of facility as Belfair Gardens) and asked about financial assistance until the house could be sold.  I talked with them the next day and my financial adviser the next.  Since there is a buyer for my mother's house, we decided that I could swing the heafty payments for three months until the house is sold.  At that point, the funds from the sale would pay for my mother's care.  When that money runs out, Medicaid will kick in.  it was only then that I realized why was not happy with going the Medicaid route now...... they would get the funds from the house without providing the type of care my mother needs.  She would be put in a nursing home, which would most likely hasten her decline.  I'm now okay with selling the house because it will provide the appropriate care she needs.  I feel bad about selling the house because i know that Mama would never agree to it if she knew, but I'd much rather the proceeds go for her care.......i don't need a second house and I hope I've saved enough for my care in later life.

Anyway, once that was all determined, I thought I should at least check out one other facility, so I called the place right outside my back gate....Belfair Gardens.  I went over that same morning and took a look.  It's a newer facility and they seemed very good.  I met a few people who had relatives there and they were very pleased with the care, and the cost, while expensive, is a flat fee.  Palm Court had a sliding scale based on the care required, and you know the care required is going to increase as health declines.  With that and not having to drive onto the island to visit, it was a no-brainer!!

After hours of working out details and filling in mountains of paperwork, the next job was figuring out how to actually get my mother there.  We are well past the stage of discussing it and understanding it.....we were never good at that before we became demented!!  Kerry, the Wellness Director at Belafir Gardens, asked if I wanted them to "pick her up".  In the discussion of it, we decided that Kerry would come to the house for an assessment and describe "the activites" to Mama and invite her to come.  She did just that and my mother agreed.  On Thursday they came and picked her up and took her over.  While she was busy there, I packed her things, took them over and set up her room.  When Kerry was free we took her to her room and told her we thought she would be a great candidate for the program.   Surprisingly, she said she'd like to participate if she could!!  With that, it was done. 

At the Mother's Day Brunch

In the short time she has been there, we have attended a lovely Mother's Day Brunch on Friday.  There have been sing-alongs, bingo, a religious service (weekly), a piano concert, and on Sunday they were trying to see how many words they could make from the letters in "Happy Mother's Day".  Today they took a bus trip to Parris Island.  Every afternoon at 2PM they have ice cream in the ice cream parlor....so they are kept busy.  I'm not sure she likes the food, but she does like the staff and they have been very good to her.  So, all in all it has gone better than i could have expected.  I just hope it lasts.

As for me, the house seems very quiet at times.  I have yet to get used to shopping or running errands without feeling that I need to rush home.  There is also an undercurrent of sadness, which I hope will subside in time. There is still a lot to be done....I'm hoping to get an increase in Aid and Attendence Benefits to help cover the costs, and I am going to have to sell my mother's house and, even though I know it's the right thing to do, there is a sadness to doing it.

I am getting back into my walking routine and have scheduled some lunch dates with friends. As things are resolved and the situation settles into normalcy, I hope to have a life again.  In the meantime, life goes on.....Victoria and Howard have had a baby boy, Allan has left Saudi for sunny Spain and Ann and Martin have moved from Holland back to the UK.  Here's wishing everyone well in their new ventures.

A special thanks to those who stayed in touch over the last few months, even when responses were slow in coming and, even then, often filled with less than cheerful news. Your concern and good wishes were greatly appreciated.....more than you know!

No Pony in the Pucky.....

My last post was on a positive note, which fizzled in no time flat.  I followed up with Memory Matters, taking my mother for a short visit while I talked with the administrator.  They thought she would be a perfect candidate for the program and that she would greatly benefit from it.  I was very hopeful, while trying to seem nonchalant so as not to unduly prejudice my mother against it.  I didn't mention it until two days later, when I asked her if she would be interested in going one day a week.  She was shaking her "No" before I completed the sentence.  When asked why, she said, "Because I don't want to and that's reason enough!".  So, there you have it!

One good thing is the wonderful Alice (aka the miracle worker), whom I found to stay with my mother.  She is fantastic.  If my mother is unwilling to do anything social and therapeutic with the Aid & Attendance Benefits, I'm going to use it to have someone stay with her in order to get out myself.  I would love for her to get out and do something more interesting than sitting here, but I can't make her.  I'm more than happy to get out at this point.  So, I had lunch with Sharon and Chris, went to the Bluffton Farmers' Market, and returned to the Living Liberally group after a long absence.  I was just beginning to feel human again when crisis struck.

Early last week, my mother had sundowners for the first time in some time.  The next day she was totally confused and with complete memory loss....didn't know where she was, couldn't remember how to get from her bedroom to the bathroom and vice-verse, thought other people were here, wanted to know where everyone had gone.....you get the picture.  I thought a restful sleep would help, but no improvement.  I called her doctor, who was on vacation.  They suggested I either make an appointment for the following week or take her to the ER, which I did. I won't even bother with the ER experience but, again, she was admitted to the hospital....after being assigned a room at about 9PM!!  She was in the hospital for two nights, where there was not much change.......she couldn't remember where the bathroom was in her room!!  The hospitalist suggested an MRI to see if there had been a stroke, which neither my mother nor I suspected, but that proved to be the case.  The only physical symptom was that her walking was a little more unsteady (and I think her vision has gotten worse), but she still gets around pretty well.  It has just fried her brain.  She was discharged from the hospital late Friday and being here in a more familiar setting has not improved her memory.  If she's in the den, she doesn't' know where she sleeps.

Before her stroke......at Palmetto Bluff

So, her mental decline is rapidly becoming more than I can manage and forcing a decision on my part.  She has a followup appointment with her doctor tomorrow and I hope he can give me a better idea of what to expect, though I already have an idea of his prognosis. The determining factor is the sundowners.  Since getting out of the hospital she has had one that lasted well through the night.  On other evenings she has had difficulty settling down to sleep - getting up repeatedly, rummaging through the bedside table, repeating eye drops, nose drops, etc.  Once settled, she has stayed through the night for the last two nights and we both feel better for a few nights of uninterrupted sleep.

We are getting home health services, which are very good, but that means that someone is coming or going all the time.  I'm not sure it will be worth it unless they can refresh her memory in some way.  Both Alice and I take her for walks and that seems to go as far as anything to keep her mobile. So, this week has been hectic.  One top of that, Alice is ill and not able to help.

The saving grace is that Spring is in the air and the weather has been beautiful.  Lots of things have been blooming for a while and the color is beautiful.  Today I was able to get out for a two mile walk for the first time in 7-10 days, and it was soooo good.  My walks really have been my lifeline.

 

  

 

About the only other thing to report is that I had a Letter to the Editor published on Saturday.  You can read it HERE. If you have time, give all of the comments time to load and take a look at them.  There are a lot of hateful (hate-filled, maybe), frightened people out there!!  Even the "handles" they chose to represent themselves are revolting and callous, to say nothing of the disrespect shown to anyone with a differing opinion.  Several other people have written on the same topic since my letter.  The same responders have commented.....with the same tone. I did get several supportive calls and emails from friends, acquaintances, and even a local realtor.  

I was also notified by the Democratic party that I could go to the state convention as a delegate in early May, but I just can't figure out how I can do it.  It isn't likely to be as exciting as those held during a national election year, but I did read someplace that Joe Biden would be a keynote speaker.

It's been a long time since I've written and I'm sure there is more to report, but my brain is fried, too.  I hope it won't be as long before you hear from me again.  

I Think I Can See the Pony.....

With all the crap I've waded through lately, I figured there had to be a pony in there somewhere!  I think I can finally see the pony!!  Things have been better on the home-front for the last 2-3 weeks.  My mother has come out of her room and been active and sociable.  She has had lots of appointments recently and we've usually done something in conjunction with that.....shopping, eating out, etc.  This past Sunday was beautiful and we went to the Lowcountry Pow Wow, a small gathering of East coast Indian tribes.  It was something different and we both enjoyed it, with my mother declaring it a good day!!  By the end of the day, she was totally worn out but, bless her heart, she gave it a good effort.

All photographs can be seen HERE.

Even better than that, the Aid and Attendance Benefits that I applied for months ago through the VA have been approved!!  I kept getting letters saying they were reviewing the case but there was a long back log.  Then one said they were reviewing the information to determine whether anything more was required......and my first thought was "oh, no......more paperwork".  And then a thick packet arrived unexpectedly, confirming that she had been approved.  We now have funds that will allow us to get help on a regular basis.  I really haven't told her that she was approved because she will want to use that money to go home, with the expectation that the meager sum will pay someone to be with her.  It won't.  So, my plan is to have someone come in once a week to allow me to get out.  I followed through with the ads in the paper and have found a lovely lady who stayed with Mama last Wednesday.  Mama loved her!!  When I got home they were watching TV and chatting away.  My mother was very jovial and animated....a total contrast to the last few months.  That seemed to bring her out and improve her outlook, proving that she needs to be with other people as much as I do.  So, Alice is coming back tomorrow and I'm going to the Progressive Ladies' Luncheon on the island...yippee!  On my way home, I'm going to stop by Memory Matters, an adult day care program for those with dementia. I'm hoping to get my  mother involved in that once a week...at least in the beginning!  She is very resistant to meeting people or tackling new situations, so keep your fingers crossed!  Anyway, this is the best thing that has happened in a long time and I hope it proves to be worthwhile for us both.

Sunset right out my front door.

On a completely different topic, since my retirement I've been "experimenting" with my hair style, to no avail!  I colored it, let it grow, had it straight and then layered, etc.  With fine hair, almost nothing works, at least not for long. So, last week I was at the salon at 8AM when they opened and told them I wanted it short.  When I left, it was a cute, pixie-ish style on someone with not such a pixie-ish face!  And by the time I did it myself, it turned into the Janet Nepolitano look!  It's grown on me now that it is a tad longer and, if nothing else, I'm happy with something that requires very little effort.

Those of you who have read this for a while know that I struggle with latent hippie tendencies, which seem to bubble up from time to time no matter what I do.  I'll blame my latest relapse on my iPad.  After getting it, I learned about podcasts and somehow I discovered Janet Taylor at the Temple Buddhist Center of Kansas City, MO.....of all places.  She gives about a 15 minute talk and then a short guided meditation, and both her topic and presentation are very clearly stated, straightforward and calming.  I generally listen to it in the morning and it calms me for the day ahead.  It helps me "live in the moment", as they say, and take one day at a time. It has also helped me stop feeding into arguments fueled by 60 years of baggage and to accept the moment as it is.....and not read too much into it.  There have been times when there was just so much swirling around in my head, much of it things I could do nothing about or something in the past or future......it's wonderful to find something (other than wine!) that helps me get through the day in better form. So, I credit Janet with some of the calm that has been happening around here and I feel fortunate to have discovered her talks.

February Update

Usually when I write, I've given it some thought and formulated things in my head beforehand.  On this occasion I'm winging it, mostly because we, my mother and I, have had a good week.  This positive turn in February is just as inexplicable as all of the anger, sullen and hateful behavior of January.  She has been in good spirits and we even went grocery shopping yesterday, something she hasn't done in months.  The stress of January forced me to come to terms with what will need to be done at some point in the not-too-distant future and I've arrived at some decisions. At the point that she needs to be placed in a facility, I was trying to decide whether it would be best for her to be  in her town in NC or here.  Unless something unforeseen happens, my decision is made on that.  The problem arises with this sudden improvement in behavior!  When things aren't going well, it's easy to see that it's more than I can deal with and that professional care is needed. But, when things are going well, it's manageable, though definite limiting.  I also feel that if she is in a facility and the negative behavior persists, she will be medicated beyond feeling.  After dealing with it, I can logically see the need for that to some degree, but it's sad to consider.  Anyway, at this moment things are going well......and I'm very thankful.

February 23rd was her wedding anniversary and I asked if she knew what happened on that date.  She thought and thought without coming up with anything.  She asked how long ago and when I told her 67 years, she laughed and said, "Oh, Lord!"  When I told her it was her anniversary, she couldn't believe it was that long ago.  We talked about age (hers and mine), all the changes she's seen in her lifetime, and so on.  It was a nice moment!

I haven't done much socially.  The lady who stays with Mama from time to time has changed jobs and it's been difficult to establish a regular routine.  Last week she let me know the day before she was available and it was too late to arrange anything with friends.  The same thing seems to be happening this week, so I'm going to follow up on a few ads I saw in the paper and see if I can find someone with whom I can get a regular routine going. My friend Chris and I went out to lunch last week and it was great.  We have a lot in common and she is someone whom I can talk to and get thoughtful input.  I always feel better after being with her......and I hope she benefits in some way, too.......but I don't feel I have much to offer at the moment.

BEFORE (including neglected bed around tree)

 You know I had my carpets and faucet replaced recently, and the sting continues.  This past week half of my yard was re-sodded and the house power washed. They look great and Mother Nature has cooperated by keeping the yard well watered, which should give it a good start. The grass is dormant, but with the mild winter and now the rain, things are likely to green up quickly.

AFTER (Neglected bed covered with grass)

As soon as I thought the expenses were over, the fridge in the garage stopped working!  It's very old and may not be revived, but I put calls in to see if someone could take a look at it.  In the meantime, I plugged in into another outlet using an extension cord and, lo and behold, the fridge started.  Now it appears to be the outlet or circuitry in the garage, which is covered with American Home Shield.....the fridge wasn't.  So, am hoping this one will be an easy fix.





The Oscars were last night and I hung in and watched the whole thing.  Seth McFarland is definitely cute and multi-talented, but I prefer more subtle humor.  Some of it was clever, but much of it was 7th-gradish and mean. I actually thought that in two minutes Daniel Day-Lewis totally and with ease out shown Seth......not what I expected from him, but a wonderful surprise.  I have not seen many of the movies, but it seemed that there were lots of good ones this year.  They;re all on my Netflix list and I will be seeing them at some point.  So, I'll leave you with a little Academy Awards humor.....imagining what Life of Pi would be like if directed by an American.......