Allan - January 17, 1953 - July 30, 2013

It is with a sad and heavy heart that I let you know that Allan passed away yesterday.  He went in hospital on the 14th for what everyone thought would be about five days.  His sister and her husband, Jean and Doug, timed their arrival for when we thought he would be released, but that time came and went and he was not showing improvement.  We spoke almost daily and the day before I left for NC he wished me a safe trip, knowing that I would pretty much be incommunicado since cell reception is bad in that area.  While I was away, he was taken to ICU to have fluid removed from his lungs and stomach.  He never recovered from that.  His kidneys, liver and lungs no longer responded to treatment.  I am still in shock and I know Jean and Doug don't know what hit them.  Neil and Paula have been stalwart.  Having been in Spain for a while and learning the language, much of the heavy lifting has been done by them.  Neil has been the one having to deal with weepy people like me and he has done it with great strength, dignity and caring, for which I will always be grateful.  Mostly, though, they were all there for Allan, which means more than they will every know.

In younger, happier times.....

All of this happened within two months of his retirement.  He had just received his shipment and did not even have time to get settled. It is almost too much to take in and I am just sad to the core.  It has opened a floodgate of tears that just seems to come in waves.  Part of it is the pent up sadness of what is happening with my mother, but this sudden loss of Allan has cut to the quick.  it is just so very sad.

Allan often said that we had a better divorce than some people had marriages!  I don't think it took either of us long to realize that we had too many good memories that would be wasted if we couldn't continue to share them with each other.  Whenever we were together, there were some sad and melancholic moments, but they were usually far outnumbered by wonderful memories and good laughs. 

As I look around the room (and the whole house!), I am reminded of places visited together and wonderful experiences shared.  One of my favorite memories was our trip to Goa at Christmastime, which started with a 19 hour delay in the Bombay domestic airport due to an airline strike.  You can imagine how that went over!  Well, it was all made right when we got to the beautiful Fort Aguada Hotel and were given a little cottage on the hill above the hotel  It was wonderful! Every evening around 7, the breeze would come up and we would listen to the palm fronds rustling as we walked down to dinner. On our first night having dinner out by the pool, the hotel Santa over-imbibed and was fired.  For the next few days, the hotel was frantically looking for a new Santa, when someone approached Allan.  He was reticent but yielded to persuasion and bribery.  So, on Christmas day here comes Santa/Allan cruising through the palm trees on a motorized sleigh to deliver gifts to the kids.  It was wonderful and, with the exception of an older kid who blew his cover, we both enjoyed a Christmas that won't be forgotten. Each trip seemed to have at least one good story, mostly due to Allan's outgoing, gregarious nature.

He was here last August.  My mother was with me and well into her dementia.  He offered to stay at a hotel, but I suggested we play it by ear.  He stayed in a hotel the first night and then came here.  He was gentle and caring with my mother.....and very supportive of me, which I will always treasure. Since then, he would listen to my sage/woes and say, "Sweetheart, you know you're going to have to do something."  I would agree, assure him that I knew that, but it would have to be as i was able to do it.

It never dawned on me that might be the last time I would see him.  If anything, I thought he would settle into retirement and we might see each other more frequently, but I guess that's what makes this such a shock.  That, and the knowledge that I've lost someone who will leave a huge void in my life. That void is shared by his father, whom he loved dearly, his sisters Margaret and Jean, and their families, and his friends.  To you all I send my deepest condolences.  I keep telling myself that Allan is at peace.  He has laid down the struggles and pain of this world and is at peace.  I hope that thought and the fond memories we have of him will comfort us all in time.

Allan will be remembered for his joie de vivre

and generosity of spirit to those he loved.

$@it Just Keeps Happening!

Well, as it turned out, we had a very nice 4th of July.  Belfair Gardens put on a fun celebration from lunchtime until around 3PM.  You can see that Mama started out with her head in her hands.....why enjoy yourself when you can be miserable!!  But, it was so festive and the staff in such a celebratory spirit that she couldn't keep up the sour mood.  At the end of the day she actually acknowledged that it was a good day.

Since then, she has had about three good days, with most of the others spent in bed during the day....angry and agitated with anyone in her path.  There have been a few days that I didn't visit...and she was so nasty today that I don't think I'll go tomorrow.

I have gone to one caregiver"s meeting held at BG..  It gave me more of an opportunity to meet and talk with other family members whom Ive seen there frequently but with whom I only had a nodding acquaintance.  And, as you might guess, their stories, concerns, questions were on a par with mine.  I think we will be able to offer moral support to each other and help each other out when needed. In any case, after the first meeting I concluded that my frequent visits may actually be slowing my mother's adjustment.  That, along with her current angry martyr behavior, has made it easier to "detach" a little.

Back to the 4th of July....the day didn't pass without celebrating with friends.  My friend Cheryl and her two roommates have a fabulous house right on the May River.  It's in a regular community (not a gated community) and the house itself is great......and they found it on craigslist!!  Anyway, it was a wonderful evening.  My "young friend", Gayle, and her husband Martin were there from New Jersey and we spent most of the evening catching up. She's a freelance writer and does some interesting things. The hostess, Cheryl, is the lady with the braid.  One of their neighbors had sprayed for mosquitos earlier in the day and the other put on a fireworks show that night.  There was about 15 minutes of humidity and then a breeze came up and made a perfect evening.  It was the first time I'd had a relaxing time with friends in a long time.

On July 2nd I went to the dentist to see if a filling had fallen out of my upper back tooth on the right side.  As it turns out, the silver filling had fracture the tooth; which, as I learned, is a fairly common thing. He deadened it, drilled out the filling and sent me down the street to have it removed by an oral surgeon. We concluded that the tooth might have had a lot to do with the sinus-infection-from-hell that I had sometime back.  Well, today I had the last tooth on the left side pulled.  It, too, fractured and actually came out in two pieces.  The dentist said he had only one other time seem this happen so quickly.....I'm hoping there are no more silver filling in my mouth!!

Monday I'm going to NC to arrange to have the items in my mother's house auctioned, the house cleaned and put on the market.  I'll get clothes that I think will be useful for my mother and a few sentiment items...small items.  She has a lovely, carved Duncan Phyfe sofa which I would like, but it really doesn't go with anything I have....I already have four sofas....and I would have to get it from there to here. I'm not looking forward to any of this but it has to be done as the  money is needed for her care.  Needless to say, she doesn't know about this or, somehow, she would be even more angry!  I will  be relieved when this part is over.

With all of this happening, I requested to have my jury duty postponed.  I explained things and said that I saw the need to do my civic duty but, considering the circumstances, I would like to do it when I could focus and think more clearly.  Thank goodness, they agreed!!

Now something to cheer you up after that dismal account!

And my personal favorite......

Odds and Ends

I'm not sure what I've been doing all this time, but I seem to be busy, whether accomplishing anything or not. Frequently, I stop by Belfair Gardens in the morning (briefly) as part of my walk and then visit again for a longer period in the afternoon. That takes a chunk out of the day, then throw in an errand or chores around the house, and the day is gone.

Us with Princess Daxie.

The "other mother" has found her way to Belfair Gardens! Last week was a bad week for my mother and she spent much of it in bed (has also started wandering around at night and becoming agitated when shown back to her room), which is unfortunate since Sunday (23rd) was her 92nd. birthday. On Tuesday of that week, Bill (cousin) and Betty came down with a goodie bag for her. The following day a couple from her church stopped by...I missed them since there was no advance notice that they were coming.  Two of her friends wanted to wish her a happy birthday by phone, so I took my iPad over and we Skyped them....she can hear the iPad better than the phone. On her birthday, we had planned to go to IHOP for breakfast and possibly stop by the house to visit with the cats. When I arrived she was dressed and ready to go, but the minute I said hello she startted crying. The girls coaxed her to go, but we never made it out the door. She got angry with me....and it took me no time to realize that anything I said would inflame that. So, she wanted to go back to bed and I sat with her most of the day, neither of us speaking. I brought Smokey for a visit and she was very chatty with him. In the afternoon, BG had a cake and ice cream celebration for her and she got up for that. A lot of people tried to make it a good birthday, but it just wasn't meant to be.

The star after the show.

This week has been better, with no mention of the birthday week.  On Wednesday we went over to the independent living part of the facility where my friend Sharon and her dog Daxie were giving a show.  My mother and others in the audience (about 20 people) really enjoyed the 30+ minute program.  It is a very cute show and they visit many of the care facilities regularly.  Sharon loves it but Daxie seems to be over it, retiring various tricks that she no longer wants to do.

Well, my hopes to sell the house in NC to my mother's neighbor were dashed.  He called on Tuesday to say that he was retiring at the end of the year, couldn't sell his condo in DC, had just purchased a nearby property, yada, yada, yada.....all of which means that 2 months later I'm back to square one on that issue.  It also means there will be less made from the sale once the realtor gets his cut AND I will have to deal with everything in the house SOON!  I don't know where to start!

And if that isn't enough, I've just been summoned for district jury duty......in Charleston!  Earlier in the week I sent in the info they required and today I faxed a request that my participation be postponed.  I explained my situation and told them I didn't think I could take on anything else, especially something requiring focus and clear thinking.  I hope they will take my word for it.

On other fronts, I'm slowly but surely getting the house in better shape, though I'm not being fanatical about it!  Yesterday I went through loads of recipes, most of which I've never used!  They are now pared down to one little file type box.  The next job will be to go through the island in the kitchen and then recipe books.  So, one small section at a time......

Our weather continues to be nice.  We've gotten lots of rain, which makes walking a challenge, but everything is nice and green......and it hasn't gotten really hot yet.  The political scene has also heated up and the chat on our local Drinking Liberally site has been active.  Here are three of my favorite cartoons from the week.

and my personal favorite.....

This week, the week of July 4th., is shaping up to be a good one, I hope!  Sharon and I are having lunch tomorrow.  Tuesday night is Drinking Liberally and that should be an animated group with all that has happened over the last few weeks.  They've also changed the meeting location and I can almost walk there!!  Gayle, one of my younger friends....the freelance writer who moved back to NJ several years ago....is coming down this week and wants to get together.  There will be a 4th of July celebration at BG from noon to 2:30 and then I've been invited to an evening gathering at my friend Cheryl's.  She and her roommates live right on the May River and one of their neighbors is doing fireworks.  There's nothing after that, but that's a very heavy social schedule for me and I'll probably need the end of the week to recover!

Hope it's a great week for everyone.

Time Marches On....

Well, all of the support and good wishes DID work!  It got me through it all and to the point I am now, which is much more relaxed and in tune with myself.  In the last few weeks I've heard from so many friends who follow this blog, all of whom have given me kind words of support and encouragement.  I'm beginning to feel a little less scattered but have taken Pauline's advice to leave the dreadful jobs for winter......Now that it is too hot to tackle the (dreadful) garage, it will just have to wait for winter!  I'm thinking that the motivation I really need is for company to come so I'll be forced to get things together!

Hearing from everyone at once very quickly put me behind in correspondence, so I hope you will accept this as a response, an update, and a very grateful "thank you".

Nancy and Cheryl at Subway

I've spent a lot of time catching up with friends.  Cheryl, Nancy and I met up at our usual  rendezvous spot as they were travelling to visit Cheryl's sister in Camden. Though our time was limited, it was great to catch up. We lightly touched on the topic of overtaking some unsuspecting independent living facility as a master plan for our old age.  If I'm going to get old (and I hope I will as the alternative is worse!), I want to face it with people with whom I have something in common!

I've also had lunch with Sharon, Thea, Janeen and Chris, as well as as attending Living Liberally, an art exhibit (Marty Montag at 95), the Bluffton Farmers Market (for wine and appetizer with Chris).  it's been wonderful to see everyone and especially to do it without that feeling that I should be home.....or wondering what is happening at home.  With each day I am relaxing more and more.

Equally satisfying has been my down time at home.  I have one friend who likes to have a set schedule for the week, with very little down time.  I'm the complete opposite....I love my down time at home.  If too many things happen to interfere with that, I get out of kilter.  So, I'm catching up on that time, too.

Mama continues to adjust better than I could have expected.  I did speak with them last week about keeping her busy. Part of the problem is her poor vision....there are lots of activities she would participate in if she could see to do it.  So, they seem to be making an effort to address that problem. She has good days and bad, but at this point they are mostly good, which is a blessing for us both. The time we have together is much more positive and loving than before and I am very appreciative of that.  I love this photo of her.....we were sitting outside one morning and, as the shade disappeared, the staff brought around hats for everyone.  This one really suited her and the photo turned out great.

The nicest thing happened there today.  I went by at 2PM for ice cream time and a lady was there with her 5 children, just like doorsteps.  She was a teacher for 10 years and now home schools her children.  She also brings them to facilities like BG to help out.  They were so sweet, well mannered and articulate.  They delivered ice cream cones to all the "grannies" and were encouraged to talk with them.  At the end of the ice cream time, they went around and hugged everyone (and everyone loved it) and sang a song. After they left, the activities director told me that they were all adopted, which I never would have guessed.  It was a wonderful family doing a wonderful thing.....I was just so impressed!

Mama, Carol and Dennis

My cousin (father's side of family) Dennis and his wife Carol stopped by for a visit as they were returning from a family funeral in Florida.  He was the first to call once I notified family that Mama had gone into the facility and he has checked on us regularly, offering to help in any way he can.  I always think of his friendship as a gift from my deceased cousin Cissy.  Growing up, Dennis and I really didn't know each other, but Cissy kept telling him that he should call and stop by to see me when they were going to Florida to visit Carol's family.  He finally did it and we all hit it off right away.  That's a great gift to get late in life.....and he always reminds me of one of my favorite cousins....Cissy.  Another cousin on my father's side has sent Mama 5 cards since she has been in Belfair Gardens and they hope to visit soon.  Unfortunately, we have heard very little from my mother's side of the family (though we have from her friends and church).

This is my Crepe Myrtle, which I only noticed when it was in full bloom!  Last week I noticed it as I drove into the driveway, which made me wonder what else I've not noticed!  So, I'm probably still preoccupied with a lot of things and not 100% myself yet.  I am back to my walking and that tends to settle me......I guess it will take time, but I am on the right path.

The final update is on the kitties.  I have to tell you that the week my mother went into Belfair Gardens her cat, Smokey, went to the litter box and when he got out his back legs just collapsed.  I couldn't believe it.....iI was going to have to put my mother's cat to sleep!!  I rushed him to the vet and a day and a couple of hundred dollars later, they determined it was old age!  His blood work was good; they give him fluid and an anti-inflammatory.  So, every day I give him Miralax, something for his joints and prednisone....and he seems to be doing fine.  But.....just when I thought things couldn't get worse.....

Breathing Easier

Took Smokey over for a visit.

With each passing day, I'm feeling more comfortable with the decision to place my mother in a facility.  It's wonderful to come home to a quiet, peaceful, calm house and to be able to relax, as one should in their own home.  Thus far we have both also been able to be more caring and patient with one another......it's much easier when not being bombarded with anger and frustration 24/7.  My mother has had two minor meltdowns.....one last Wednesday and Thursday when (I think) it finally sank in where she is and that she's been there a while with no mention of going home. But, suddenly Thursday afternoon  she got out of bed and carried on.  Today I went over right after lunch and she was angry (with the staff) because she wanted to take chicken from her plate to feed Smokey (her cat) and they wouldn't let her put it in her pocket and take it to her room.  She accused them of being rude.  If Dr. Phil were to ask my mother whether she would rather be happy or be right, my mother would choose "right" every time.....and add to that, have the last word!  So, when she wouldn't let it go, I left......and returned to my tranquil home!  I went back before dinner, got her out of bed and we sat outside a bit.  She was hungry (didn't eat lunch), not very talkative and in a world of her own.  I did all I could to prepare her for dinner, a good night's sleep and a better day tomorrow.  She tried to lay guilt and I didn't bite (and the staff she was angry with had already gone home)....so I hope she had a good dinner and will start tomorrow on a better note.

A frame for my mother.

I know many of you thought I should have done this a long time ago, but I know myself well enough to know that I will reach a point beyond which I will not go.....and I'm okay with reaching that point because I also know that I've done as much as I could do.  The stroke was the point that I knew I was out of my depth and needed help. In any case, I do appreciate your support and concern...it helped me get to "The point".... Thanks for hanging with me so long.

No sooner had I gotten my mother settled than I came down with the sinus infection from hell.  I've had minor sinus problems in the past, usually relieved by an over-the-counter medication.  This was nothing like that!  I felt crummy for a few days and then on Friday night it all seemed to settle on the left side of my face......giving a whole new meaning to "so ugly it hurts"!  The bones in my face, the inside of my mouth, even my teeth hurt..  I was in pain all night and by 8:45AM of Saturday morning I was in line at the local urgent care facility.  The doctor prescribed a Z-pack and prednisone but, even hitting it with that, it took 7-8 days to clear. There were days when I could only eat cold soup and the afternoons were spent in bed. I never knew sinuses could do that....and I hope I never experience it again.

Other than that, I've been getting back into my walking routine and connecting with friends.  Our weather has been beautiful and it's wonderful to be able to enjoy it. Due to the sinus infection, I had to cancel lunch plans with Sharon, but we've reschedule for this week.  Janeen and I will be having breakfast together tomorrow, and I hope to see Thea and Cheryl next week.  There is also so much around the house that needs to be done.....and, as I told Janeen, I'm having a hard time focusing.  I'm so accustomed to going from one wildfire to another, with no chance to plan or anticipate, that I find it's now difficult to tackle something that requires forethought and persistence.  Once I've caught up with friends, I hope I can develop "a plan" to tackle some things around the house.

So, overall I feel much less stressed.  The ideal scenario would be that my mother come to terms with her situation and make the most of each day.....but, to be honest, that isn't her nature and there isn't a lot I can do about it.  I will be there for her in whatever way I can, but I am so thankful to have my own space again!

A little pooch humor.

Trial by Fire

Yes, I'm still alive, but barely!  As of Thursday of this past week, my mother entered Belfair Gardens.  It is an Alzheimers/dementia care unit and is literally within walking distance of my house.  So, I've been visiting twice daily and have yet to find my mother in her room.  She's always in the common area participating in whatever is going on, and she seems to really enjoy it. 

You can imagine that this past month has been very stressful for me as there were a lot of difficult decisions to be made with no one to really rely upon, although my friend Chris has been a great listener and very supportive.  Even so, when Mama had the stroke in early April, I knew i could no longer maintain things single-handedly. That was the factor that tilted the balance for me.  I had been conferring with Karen at Memory Matters and had attended one caregiver support group meeting.  I asked if I could meet with her again, as my last ditch effort before trying to qualify Mama for Medicaid.  That would mean putting the house back in her name so that Medicaid could be reimbursed for services rendered.  Karen immediately contact Palm Court (same type of facility as Belfair Gardens) and asked about financial assistance until the house could be sold.  I talked with them the next day and my financial adviser the next.  Since there is a buyer for my mother's house, we decided that I could swing the heafty payments for three months until the house is sold.  At that point, the funds from the sale would pay for my mother's care.  When that money runs out, Medicaid will kick in.  it was only then that I realized why was not happy with going the Medicaid route now...... they would get the funds from the house without providing the type of care my mother needs.  She would be put in a nursing home, which would most likely hasten her decline.  I'm now okay with selling the house because it will provide the appropriate care she needs.  I feel bad about selling the house because i know that Mama would never agree to it if she knew, but I'd much rather the proceeds go for her care.......i don't need a second house and I hope I've saved enough for my care in later life.

Anyway, once that was all determined, I thought I should at least check out one other facility, so I called the place right outside my back gate....Belfair Gardens.  I went over that same morning and took a look.  It's a newer facility and they seemed very good.  I met a few people who had relatives there and they were very pleased with the care, and the cost, while expensive, is a flat fee.  Palm Court had a sliding scale based on the care required, and you know the care required is going to increase as health declines.  With that and not having to drive onto the island to visit, it was a no-brainer!!

After hours of working out details and filling in mountains of paperwork, the next job was figuring out how to actually get my mother there.  We are well past the stage of discussing it and understanding it.....we were never good at that before we became demented!!  Kerry, the Wellness Director at Belafir Gardens, asked if I wanted them to "pick her up".  In the discussion of it, we decided that Kerry would come to the house for an assessment and describe "the activites" to Mama and invite her to come.  She did just that and my mother agreed.  On Thursday they came and picked her up and took her over.  While she was busy there, I packed her things, took them over and set up her room.  When Kerry was free we took her to her room and told her we thought she would be a great candidate for the program.   Surprisingly, she said she'd like to participate if she could!!  With that, it was done. 

At the Mother's Day Brunch

In the short time she has been there, we have attended a lovely Mother's Day Brunch on Friday.  There have been sing-alongs, bingo, a religious service (weekly), a piano concert, and on Sunday they were trying to see how many words they could make from the letters in "Happy Mother's Day".  Today they took a bus trip to Parris Island.  Every afternoon at 2PM they have ice cream in the ice cream parlor....so they are kept busy.  I'm not sure she likes the food, but she does like the staff and they have been very good to her.  So, all in all it has gone better than i could have expected.  I just hope it lasts.

As for me, the house seems very quiet at times.  I have yet to get used to shopping or running errands without feeling that I need to rush home.  There is also an undercurrent of sadness, which I hope will subside in time. There is still a lot to be done....I'm hoping to get an increase in Aid and Attendence Benefits to help cover the costs, and I am going to have to sell my mother's house and, even though I know it's the right thing to do, there is a sadness to doing it.

I am getting back into my walking routine and have scheduled some lunch dates with friends. As things are resolved and the situation settles into normalcy, I hope to have a life again.  In the meantime, life goes on.....Victoria and Howard have had a baby boy, Allan has left Saudi for sunny Spain and Ann and Martin have moved from Holland back to the UK.  Here's wishing everyone well in their new ventures.

A special thanks to those who stayed in touch over the last few months, even when responses were slow in coming and, even then, often filled with less than cheerful news. Your concern and good wishes were greatly appreciated.....more than you know!