No Pony in the Pucky.....

My last post was on a positive note, which fizzled in no time flat.  I followed up with Memory Matters, taking my mother for a short visit while I talked with the administrator.  They thought she would be a perfect candidate for the program and that she would greatly benefit from it.  I was very hopeful, while trying to seem nonchalant so as not to unduly prejudice my mother against it.  I didn't mention it until two days later, when I asked her if she would be interested in going one day a week.  She was shaking her "No" before I completed the sentence.  When asked why, she said, "Because I don't want to and that's reason enough!".  So, there you have it!

One good thing is the wonderful Alice (aka the miracle worker), whom I found to stay with my mother.  She is fantastic.  If my mother is unwilling to do anything social and therapeutic with the Aid & Attendance Benefits, I'm going to use it to have someone stay with her in order to get out myself.  I would love for her to get out and do something more interesting than sitting here, but I can't make her.  I'm more than happy to get out at this point.  So, I had lunch with Sharon and Chris, went to the Bluffton Farmers' Market, and returned to the Living Liberally group after a long absence.  I was just beginning to feel human again when crisis struck.

Early last week, my mother had sundowners for the first time in some time.  The next day she was totally confused and with complete memory loss....didn't know where she was, couldn't remember how to get from her bedroom to the bathroom and vice-verse, thought other people were here, wanted to know where everyone had gone.....you get the picture.  I thought a restful sleep would help, but no improvement.  I called her doctor, who was on vacation.  They suggested I either make an appointment for the following week or take her to the ER, which I did. I won't even bother with the ER experience but, again, she was admitted to the hospital....after being assigned a room at about 9PM!!  She was in the hospital for two nights, where there was not much change.......she couldn't remember where the bathroom was in her room!!  The hospitalist suggested an MRI to see if there had been a stroke, which neither my mother nor I suspected, but that proved to be the case.  The only physical symptom was that her walking was a little more unsteady (and I think her vision has gotten worse), but she still gets around pretty well.  It has just fried her brain.  She was discharged from the hospital late Friday and being here in a more familiar setting has not improved her memory.  If she's in the den, she doesn't' know where she sleeps.

Before her stroke......at Palmetto Bluff

So, her mental decline is rapidly becoming more than I can manage and forcing a decision on my part.  She has a followup appointment with her doctor tomorrow and I hope he can give me a better idea of what to expect, though I already have an idea of his prognosis. The determining factor is the sundowners.  Since getting out of the hospital she has had one that lasted well through the night.  On other evenings she has had difficulty settling down to sleep - getting up repeatedly, rummaging through the bedside table, repeating eye drops, nose drops, etc.  Once settled, she has stayed through the night for the last two nights and we both feel better for a few nights of uninterrupted sleep.

We are getting home health services, which are very good, but that means that someone is coming or going all the time.  I'm not sure it will be worth it unless they can refresh her memory in some way.  Both Alice and I take her for walks and that seems to go as far as anything to keep her mobile. So, this week has been hectic.  One top of that, Alice is ill and not able to help.

The saving grace is that Spring is in the air and the weather has been beautiful.  Lots of things have been blooming for a while and the color is beautiful.  Today I was able to get out for a two mile walk for the first time in 7-10 days, and it was soooo good.  My walks really have been my lifeline.

 

  

 

About the only other thing to report is that I had a Letter to the Editor published on Saturday.  You can read it HERE. If you have time, give all of the comments time to load and take a look at them.  There are a lot of hateful (hate-filled, maybe), frightened people out there!!  Even the "handles" they chose to represent themselves are revolting and callous, to say nothing of the disrespect shown to anyone with a differing opinion.  Several other people have written on the same topic since my letter.  The same responders have commented.....with the same tone. I did get several supportive calls and emails from friends, acquaintances, and even a local realtor.  

I was also notified by the Democratic party that I could go to the state convention as a delegate in early May, but I just can't figure out how I can do it.  It isn't likely to be as exciting as those held during a national election year, but I did read someplace that Joe Biden would be a keynote speaker.

It's been a long time since I've written and I'm sure there is more to report, but my brain is fried, too.  I hope it won't be as long before you hear from me again.  

I Think I Can See the Pony.....

With all the crap I've waded through lately, I figured there had to be a pony in there somewhere!  I think I can finally see the pony!!  Things have been better on the home-front for the last 2-3 weeks.  My mother has come out of her room and been active and sociable.  She has had lots of appointments recently and we've usually done something in conjunction with that.....shopping, eating out, etc.  This past Sunday was beautiful and we went to the Lowcountry Pow Wow, a small gathering of East coast Indian tribes.  It was something different and we both enjoyed it, with my mother declaring it a good day!!  By the end of the day, she was totally worn out but, bless her heart, she gave it a good effort.

All photographs can be seen HERE.

Even better than that, the Aid and Attendance Benefits that I applied for months ago through the VA have been approved!!  I kept getting letters saying they were reviewing the case but there was a long back log.  Then one said they were reviewing the information to determine whether anything more was required......and my first thought was "oh, no......more paperwork".  And then a thick packet arrived unexpectedly, confirming that she had been approved.  We now have funds that will allow us to get help on a regular basis.  I really haven't told her that she was approved because she will want to use that money to go home, with the expectation that the meager sum will pay someone to be with her.  It won't.  So, my plan is to have someone come in once a week to allow me to get out.  I followed through with the ads in the paper and have found a lovely lady who stayed with Mama last Wednesday.  Mama loved her!!  When I got home they were watching TV and chatting away.  My mother was very jovial and animated....a total contrast to the last few months.  That seemed to bring her out and improve her outlook, proving that she needs to be with other people as much as I do.  So, Alice is coming back tomorrow and I'm going to the Progressive Ladies' Luncheon on the island...yippee!  On my way home, I'm going to stop by Memory Matters, an adult day care program for those with dementia. I'm hoping to get my  mother involved in that once a week...at least in the beginning!  She is very resistant to meeting people or tackling new situations, so keep your fingers crossed!  Anyway, this is the best thing that has happened in a long time and I hope it proves to be worthwhile for us both.

Sunset right out my front door.

On a completely different topic, since my retirement I've been "experimenting" with my hair style, to no avail!  I colored it, let it grow, had it straight and then layered, etc.  With fine hair, almost nothing works, at least not for long. So, last week I was at the salon at 8AM when they opened and told them I wanted it short.  When I left, it was a cute, pixie-ish style on someone with not such a pixie-ish face!  And by the time I did it myself, it turned into the Janet Nepolitano look!  It's grown on me now that it is a tad longer and, if nothing else, I'm happy with something that requires very little effort.

Those of you who have read this for a while know that I struggle with latent hippie tendencies, which seem to bubble up from time to time no matter what I do.  I'll blame my latest relapse on my iPad.  After getting it, I learned about podcasts and somehow I discovered Janet Taylor at the Temple Buddhist Center of Kansas City, MO.....of all places.  She gives about a 15 minute talk and then a short guided meditation, and both her topic and presentation are very clearly stated, straightforward and calming.  I generally listen to it in the morning and it calms me for the day ahead.  It helps me "live in the moment", as they say, and take one day at a time. It has also helped me stop feeding into arguments fueled by 60 years of baggage and to accept the moment as it is.....and not read too much into it.  There have been times when there was just so much swirling around in my head, much of it things I could do nothing about or something in the past or future......it's wonderful to find something (other than wine!) that helps me get through the day in better form. So, I credit Janet with some of the calm that has been happening around here and I feel fortunate to have discovered her talks.

February Update

Usually when I write, I've given it some thought and formulated things in my head beforehand.  On this occasion I'm winging it, mostly because we, my mother and I, have had a good week.  This positive turn in February is just as inexplicable as all of the anger, sullen and hateful behavior of January.  She has been in good spirits and we even went grocery shopping yesterday, something she hasn't done in months.  The stress of January forced me to come to terms with what will need to be done at some point in the not-too-distant future and I've arrived at some decisions. At the point that she needs to be placed in a facility, I was trying to decide whether it would be best for her to be  in her town in NC or here.  Unless something unforeseen happens, my decision is made on that.  The problem arises with this sudden improvement in behavior!  When things aren't going well, it's easy to see that it's more than I can deal with and that professional care is needed. But, when things are going well, it's manageable, though definite limiting.  I also feel that if she is in a facility and the negative behavior persists, she will be medicated beyond feeling.  After dealing with it, I can logically see the need for that to some degree, but it's sad to consider.  Anyway, at this moment things are going well......and I'm very thankful.

February 23rd was her wedding anniversary and I asked if she knew what happened on that date.  She thought and thought without coming up with anything.  She asked how long ago and when I told her 67 years, she laughed and said, "Oh, Lord!"  When I told her it was her anniversary, she couldn't believe it was that long ago.  We talked about age (hers and mine), all the changes she's seen in her lifetime, and so on.  It was a nice moment!

I haven't done much socially.  The lady who stays with Mama from time to time has changed jobs and it's been difficult to establish a regular routine.  Last week she let me know the day before she was available and it was too late to arrange anything with friends.  The same thing seems to be happening this week, so I'm going to follow up on a few ads I saw in the paper and see if I can find someone with whom I can get a regular routine going. My friend Chris and I went out to lunch last week and it was great.  We have a lot in common and she is someone whom I can talk to and get thoughtful input.  I always feel better after being with her......and I hope she benefits in some way, too.......but I don't feel I have much to offer at the moment.

BEFORE (including neglected bed around tree)

 You know I had my carpets and faucet replaced recently, and the sting continues.  This past week half of my yard was re-sodded and the house power washed. They look great and Mother Nature has cooperated by keeping the yard well watered, which should give it a good start. The grass is dormant, but with the mild winter and now the rain, things are likely to green up quickly.

AFTER (Neglected bed covered with grass)

As soon as I thought the expenses were over, the fridge in the garage stopped working!  It's very old and may not be revived, but I put calls in to see if someone could take a look at it.  In the meantime, I plugged in into another outlet using an extension cord and, lo and behold, the fridge started.  Now it appears to be the outlet or circuitry in the garage, which is covered with American Home Shield.....the fridge wasn't.  So, am hoping this one will be an easy fix.





The Oscars were last night and I hung in and watched the whole thing.  Seth McFarland is definitely cute and multi-talented, but I prefer more subtle humor.  Some of it was clever, but much of it was 7th-gradish and mean. I actually thought that in two minutes Daniel Day-Lewis totally and with ease out shown Seth......not what I expected from him, but a wonderful surprise.  I have not seen many of the movies, but it seemed that there were lots of good ones this year.  They;re all on my Netflix list and I will be seeing them at some point.  So, I'll leave you with a little Academy Awards humor.....imagining what Life of Pi would be like if directed by an American.......

 

72 and Sunny!

Well, it was 72 degrees and sunny today......more than we can usually expect for early February.  This has been our second mild winter in a row. It was so nice that I went for a 3.5 mile walk....the turles and gators were sunning, storks and cormorants were sunning and foraging.  It was glorious!  Even as the recent heavy storm was passing through, we only got s few windy days, but it was warm enough that one evening I just sat out and listened to the wind in the trees.  There have been some cold days and nights, but usually just for two or three days in a row and then it warms up again.....not bad at all.  The jasmine on my mailbox is almost in full bloom, as are the Chinese fringe.  The azaleas are trying and I guess when we see the red bud trees we can officially declare it Spring!

February has started better in that my mother is speaking......I think that's a good thing!  In the silence of January and in preparation for having the carpets replaced, I managed to clean my clothes closet and the closets in the other bedrooms.  Once I got on a roll, I hit other areas in quick bursts, although the kitchen and garage remain untouched.  About three loads have been taken to the thrift shop and it has become easier with each load......and it does feel lighter and freeing to be rid of "stuff" that has been sitting around for years.

It is so nice to have clean, refresh carpets.  Mine were so bad that I was embarrassed for the workmen to see them.  Smokey had used some spots as a bathroom and Gabby had thrown up and left spots that would always reappear after cleaning.  In a effort to prevent that from happening  to the new carpets, as soon as it was put down I went to Home Depot and purchased a lightweight carpet in 12 foot wide strips that were cut to fit around three sides of the bed....in both my room and my mother's.  The other bedroom is closed to the cats!  So far, Smokey doesn't seem inclined to mark anything, so I hope my efforts will pay off.

While still reeling from the cost of the carpets, my kitchen sink sprang a leak and a piece of aluminum trim blew off the house during those windy days.  I have a type of homeowner's insurance that allows me to call them and they will send a repair person for a set fee.  Usually, if they can't repair something, they will replace it; but, for some reason it did not cover the kitchen faucet!  With the trim, I didn't know how to find someone so I just started calling around and, as luck would have it, found a very nice man who did it for a reasonable price.  I will definitely call him again if needed.  So, I'm hoping all of that kind of thing is over for a while.......it all seems to happen at once!

My only social events have been a lunch with Janeen, whom I used to work with at the synagogue.  We always enjoy getting together and it was good to see her.  She treated to lunch as a belated birthday gift, which was above and beyond, but very thoughtful.  It was another of those nice days when we were able to eat out on the porch at The Cottage.  My former neighbors invited me to their annual Super Bowl party.  Since last year they have built a huge home in Belfair and it was my first time to see it and, boy, was it amazing.  I was surprised at the size of it for just the two of them, but that's how things are around here....gone are the days of the little beach cottage!  They are also that much younger that those things seem more important.....and there is no denying that it is spectacular.

I have to tell you about an encounter I had in Burger King, of all places.  My mother and I had gone on island for something and stopped at our favorite burger joint, one of the few that offers a veggie burger.  As I'm getting my mother's "wheels" out of the car, I notice a man helping his wife (older than me, not as old as my mother) with a similar thing.  My first thought was that the invalids seemed to be descending on BK!  They got in and settled before us.  When I finally got my mother seated and headed to the counter to place our order, the lady rose from her seat and approached me.......and, while many people would be frightened to be approached by a stranger like that, I'm thinking "is this someone I'm supposed to know" as her face wasn't ringing a bell.   She took my arm and thanked me for helping (my mother) and taking her out!  I told her she was my mother, and the woman said that she was now in my mother's situation and she know how much it meant to have someone help or to be taken out.  By this time, I'm teary-eyed and told her that it wasn't always easy.  She said she knew, to release it, let it go.....and that everything would be fine! I thanked her and we carried on with our lunch.  It took me a while to collect myself as it was both unsettling and so affirming for me that it is difficult to describe.  They were leaving as I went up to order dessert.  I took her hand and thanked her for making my day.  It was an extraordinary act of kindness from a total stranger and I'm still touched by it.  She certainly motivated me to pass it forward!

Well, It's Official.....

......I'm now much closer to 70 than 60!  That's hard to believe, which I guess is a good thing since I don't feel this age....unless I look in a mirror.  One good thing about not having anything to be vain about is that it is one less unavoidable disappointment later in life.  I read an article recently about arriving at that stage in life when you become aware that it is the last time you will be doing or experiencing certain things.  Those times aren't rushing toward me at this point, but I have determined this will be the last house that I own, and I can make that decision without a lot of regret; in fact, it feels like relief!

My birthday was made special by hearing from friends, near and far, as well as family.  The atmosphere here was chilly and quiet, which made the contact with friends more meaningful.  Over a period of three days, I receive lots of special calls and cards, as well as a hoard of messages by social media, which for me means Facebook.  I have to admit that it's also nice to hear from acquaintances who would not otherwise even know it was my birthday; but by knowing, sent good wishes, too.  The Wednesday before I got together with a friend for lunch and she treated, which was unexpected and very thoughtful. A truly heartfelt "thank you" to everyone who was in contact......it meant more than you know.

The month of January has been as chilly inside as outside.  My mother has hardly spoken to me, certainly not civilly, since early in the month when, once again, I had to tell her that she couldn't go home and stay on her own.......nor will she consent to a visit if she can't stay!  She saw her doctor yesterday and we discussed it again.  She said all of her relatives were in NC, etc.  and would take care of her, and the doctor asked if any had asked her to live with them since she needed full time care, whether family or paid assistance.  I said that being in NC wasn't possible and she didn't want to be with me, so what was Plan C?  That plan would be assisted living, which is not covered my Medicare and very expensive (and she won't consider selling the house to afford that option, nor is she likely to ever volunteer to go anyplace where she might meet new people).  Another option might be a nursing home, which under certain circumstances could be paid by Medicaid.  Anyway, I wanted it all clearly stated to her one more time in hopes that she will be able to process some of it and improve her outlook, though I'm not holding my breath.  I'm realizing more and more that there are going to be difficult decisions somewhere down the line.

We have had a few good moments.  Several weekends ago, we went out to Ridgeland to Maranatha Farms animal rescue.  They mostly rescue dogs, and there were dogs of every size, shape and description.  The best feature of the place was the space.  Everything was fenced, but the dogs had lots of space to run, play and otherwise cavort.  It was wonderful to see and, if I didn't already have a house full of cats, there was one (Penny) that would have come home with me!!  It was a pleasant way to spend a beautiful day and my mother was as pleasant and sociable as you please!

It's the simple daily pleasures that keeps me going, and this one warmed my heart.  You may already know that occasionally on my walk, I go to the Kroger mall.   I always check out the two feral cat colonies along the way.  When I got to the one at the Comfort Suites area, I discovered that their caretakers had built a little shelter for them.  It was so cute.....two levels with a shingle roof....and all of their eating plates were neatly lined up.  Of course, there wasn't a cat in sight!!!  Cats don't like change, but they will always find the food, so I'm sure they will grow to like the little hut.  I've been back several times.....once to show Mama and another to take this photo.  On one visit, the designer and builder was there and he seemed pleased that someone had noticed and appreciated.  He took me on a tour and pointed out the feature.....it's made for a crate in which a glass item had been shipped.  There are food bowl holders that are secured to the floor.  The plates just fit into them and can't be pushed around.  They whole idea was so sweet and I loved it!

As I'm writing this, there are three men in the back of the house working feverishly to replace my carpets.  They were cutting it in the driveway and I was pleased to see that the color in a large block is as nice, if not nicer, than in a six inch swatch.  These guys have obviously done this before.....they are speedy, pleasant and professional.  The company was recommended by a Living Liberal friend who was in the flooring business and, so far, he has been right on target. In preparation for this, we were asked to move all of the small items off dressers, etc.  We actually moved as much as we could, leaving only the heavy furniture.  Everything was piled in the living and dining rooms, and as I was schlepping things in, I was registering which items would be returned and which would be discarded.  Six PM update: the carpets were in by 1:30 and they look great and smell fresh. The guys were great and the job well done.  I'm so glad it's done!

Gabby is now on four units of insulin in the morning and three in the evening.  He seems to be more himself and to  feel better, though there are times when that doesn't seem to be the case.  I keep forgetting that he's thirteen (about 68 in people years) and that's pretty old for cats.  His hair is thinning and, because he has always "trimmed" his stomach hair, and now the inside of his legs, he looks very thin and elderly from behind. He is also not as agile as he once was.  I certainly don't want him to be in pain or suffer, but so far the good days seem to outnumber the bad.  He has to go back to the vet for another (and what I hope will be his final, at least for a while) glucose curve.  I feel like we're almost there and I hope when that is correctly regulated he will feel much better.











Am including this photo of Chloe because it's just too cute to omit!  i think she is as amazed as I at a cleared desk!

Life Goes On....

Now that the holiday festivities are over, normal, everyday life resumes.  The year was brightened by a surprise call from Pauline, who was visiting her son and family in New Hampshire.  It was wonderful to talk with her and; of course, you can't really catch up in a mere phone call, but we did a pretty good job.  She and Phil visited years ago when I lived on the island and we had a great time.....all good memories.  Needless to say, a lot has happened (life!!) in the meantime, but we had no trouble picking up where we left off.  It was great and I'm so pleased she thought of me in this New Year.

I had no sooner posted the New Year's message when I ran across the following, which I like as much.....

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion, to be worthy, not respectable and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never. In other words, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common."

- Bruce Lee to his fiancé 1963

As you know, I enjoy quotes and am frequently surprised by inspiring quotes from those you would not expect......like Bruce Lee. This is not the first touching one I've come across by him, and other surprises include Albert Einstein and Mohammad Eli, to name just a few.  I guess it only goes to show how we pigeon-hole people, without really seeing the other facets of their lives.

Amidst putting Christmas decorations away and doing all other activities of normal life, I joined a friend, Thea, for lunch.  We met at the Boathouse, home of my Living Liberally group, which I haven't met with in ages. The day was dark and rainy, so it was nice to have something enjoyable planned.....and it was good to be with a friend.  As we were ordering, six ladies from my synagogue days came in and it was like old home week.  Several came over to say hello and we stopped by their table later as we we leaving.  I always enjoy running into friends from that period, as one does from good times past.

No good deed/time goes unpunished.  On the home front, we've had days and days of silence.  The only thing worse than the silence and misery has been the arguing!  It has been savage and mean-spirited.  I really hate these times.  I think I handle things well MOST of the time, but something always comes along, sooner or later, that suckers me in......and once I start venting, it isn't over til it's all out.  I hate it when I say cruel things that I don't mean and, in saner moments, would never say..  And part of my personal motivation is wanting to look back with not a lot of regrets, so I really let myself down in these times.......and I know they are hurtful to Mama (as she is hurtful to me).  It really is a toxic environment and serves neither of us well.   So, I've been talking to myself a lot, trying to devise a mindset that will help me through these difficult days.  Nothing is fool-proof, but anything that helps is appreciated.

This whole episode has motivated me......I'm looking into a reverse mortgage on her home, which might allow her to go back home and have the care and supervision she needs.  Due to her age and health problems, that isn't really looking like a viable option.  I've also contacted Carole, who has stayed with Mama in the past and whom she likes, to set up a weekly gig.  That would give me a block of time each week to run errands, get together with friends, etc.  I haven't done this earlier because I didn't feel that I needed it every week, but this has shown me that I do......if it is only to go sit by the May River on a nice day!  

There was one day when I just went to my room and lay down, something I never do.  I didn't really go to sleep, but I lay there for a couple of hours to just be quiet and calm.  From there I cleaned both walk-in closets, weeding out four or five bags of clothes.  Believe me, there could have been twice that many.......I've hung all of the hangers backwards and as I wear things I'll hang them in the forward position.  When I clean again, it will be easy to spot the items that have not been worn.  It was something I've wanted to do for a long time and just couldn't face, so now it's over.......just wish the motivation had been more positive!!

I've also contracted to have the carpets in the bedrooms replaced sometime around the 23rd or 24rd of this month.  It is long overdue and will certainly look and smell better, assuming Smokey doesn't decide he needs to mark it again!

 

So, life goes on.....whether we're having a good time or not!  I'll leave you with a little vegetarian humor..